January 2, 2003
LEAST SEXY WORLD RECORD OF THE YEAR
B.D.Tyagi, of Bhopal, India, proudly shows off the
longest ear
hair in the world, measuring a mighty 10.2 centimetres.
THE WORST WAY TO IMPRESS YOUR MOM AWARD
2002 started off with a
bang as Polish porn star Klaudia Figura won the First Annual
Gangbang Championship in February and set a new world sexual
record by having sex with 646 men during a one-day session. In
order to break the record, Figura had sex from 10 a.m. until 5:58
p.m., having the officially required 30 to 60 seconds of sexual
contact with each participant. Jim Malibu, co-producer of the
event, made sure there were no shortcuts. "It is amazing," he
said, "Each sex contact was carefully watched, rated, and counted
by a judge."
WORST DRIVER OF THE YEAR
In what has got to be the strangest
hit-and-run case ever reported, 25-year-old Chante Mallard of Fort
Worth, Texas, was charged in March after hitting a man with her
car, driving home with the victim stuck in the shattered
windshield of her car, then parking in the garage and carrying on
with her life for two days while the man slowly died of blood loss
and shock. Mallard told police she had been drunk and high on
ecstasy as she drove home from a party and hit the man. Over the
next two days, she claims that she frequently went to the garage
to apologize to the injured, dying man. After he died, she had two
of her friends take the body and dump it in a nearby park.
STRANGEST PLASTICIDE OF THE YEAR
In April, police in Oregon were
on the lookout for the owner of an extremely life-like latex and
silicone blow-up doll which had been dumped in the woods
execution-style. The doll was found by two teenagers with its
hands bound and its head missing, wearing only fish-net stockings,
wrapped in a blanket and halfway submerged under water. Police
estimated that the custom-made doll was worth around $6000, and
believe that the doll's "execution" was probably carried out by a
jealous lover. Brent Turvey, a criminal profiler, thinks it would
be unlikely for the doll's owner to dump such an expensive sex
toy. "I think you're going to find some ugly domestic thing at the
end of this," he concluded.
BAD OMEN OF THE YEAR
From England's Daily Mirror, Sept. 2, 2002. Following the murders of
two
10-year-old girls, several families offered up their kids to be used as guinea pigs for new
implantable microchips with which to track them.
BEST SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH REGARDING SPERM
In June, the medical
journal Archives of Sexual Behavior published some remarkable
findings from researchers at New York University which seemed to
indicate that a man's sperm contains anti-depressant chemicals and
hormones which make woman happier. The study logged the sexual
activities of 300 women and found that women who had sex without
condoms were happier than women who had sex with condoms or women
who didn't have sex. The study also found that women who have
unprotected sex were less likely to commit suicide, but became
increasingly depressed the longer they went without sex.
BEST USE OF AMERICAN TAXPAYERS MONEY
By far the most helpful
thing the White House did for us in 2002 was posting an extensive
list of over 2,300 street terms for various drugs and
drug-related activities on its website. This led to the creation
of the Curious Times Top Ten List of Drug Slang: 10. A-Bomb (joint
laced with heroin or opium); 9. Mind Detergent (LSD); 8. Devil's
Dick (crack pipe); 7. Sweet Jesus (heroin) 6. Gutter Junkie
(addict who relies on others to obtain drugs); 5. Fly Mexican
Airlines (smoke marijuana); 4. Interplanetary Mission (traveling
from one crackhouse to another seraching for drugs); 3. Carpet
Patrol (crack smokers searching the floor for more drugs); 2.
Hippie Crack (inhalants); 1. Bag Bride (crack-smoking prostitute).
Get with the program at whitehousedrugpolicy.gov.
WORST SOCCER MATCH OF THE YEAR
In July, while Brazil was
finishing off Germany in the World Cup Final , another, much more
meaningful soccer match was being played in the small nation of
Bhutan, host of the Worst Team World Cup Final, in which Bhutan
escaped the title of World's Worst Soccer Team by beating
Montserrat 4-0. Bhutan and Montserrat are now officially ranked as
203rd and 204th on the list of World Soccer Superpowers. A
documentary filmmaking team caught all the action and is currently
finishing work on the film, titled The Other Final.
BEST SCHEME TO GET A GLANCE AT SOME TITS
In July we bowed down
and worshipped the ingenuity of the year's most ingenious and
convoluted way to get a look at some naked breasts, which involved
a scheme in which a couple in Portugal convinced four women to
stand at their windows with the shirts off. The plan began when a
woman posing as a doctor phoned the four victims, and explained to
them a revolutionary new method of mammograhy done by satellite.
The women were told they could have free breast exams done simply
by standing naked by their windows and looking up in the direction
of the satellite. Later, when the "doctor" called back with the
results, she started vividly describing her sexual desires to the
four victims.
MAD SCIENCE PROJECT OF THE YEAR
Scientists in Israel created this
"Naked Chicken," with faster growing, low-calorie meat (but lacking its appetite-inducing good looks).
WORST EXCUSE TO HARM ANIMALS IN THE NAME OF SCIENCE
In August, a
bored scientist published what must be the first study done on the
effects of second-hand smoke on cats. Dr. Antony Moore, of Tufts
University in Massachusetts, found that cats exposed to
second-hand smoke had more than double the risk of acquiring
feline lymphoma (cat cancer) than cats not exposed to smoke. The
risk quadrupled in two-smoker households.
LAMEST EXCUSE TO DRINK IN THE NAME OF SCIENCE
In September, more
bored scientists at Glasgow University took it upon themselves to
study 120 male and female subjects in order to analyze the common
sociological experience known to use uneducated drunks as the
"beer goggle effect." After serving up four "units of alcohol" to
half of the research volunteers, they concluded that the slightly
inebriated subjects found members of the opposite sex 25 per cent
more attractive then those who were still sober. As we used to say
in high school, "fuckenduh!"
BIG FAT USELESS LAWSUIT OF THE YEAR
First, in August, a New York
lawyer began a class action suit against McDonald's, Burger King,
Wendy's and KFC for causing obesity, diabetes, high blood pressure
and related health problems in fat Americans everywhere. His first
plaintiff was 57-year old Caesar Barber, who says he ate fast food
four to five times per week. "It was a necessity," he explained,
"and I think it was killing me, my doctor said it was killing me,
and I don't want to die." Then, in November, parents of several
severely obese teenagers filed a lawsuit against McDonald's for
making them fat. The lawsuit alleged that McDonald's is guilty of
fraud for deliberately misleading consumer's into thinking that
their products are healthy and nutritious, and claims that the
company does not provide adequate information on the health risks
associated with fast food, such as diabetes, high blood pressure
and obesity. In what turned out to be the most ignorant quote of
2002, the mother of a 400 pound 15-year-old, claimed "I always
believed McDonald's was healthy for my son."
FACTOID OF THE YEAR
Every time a man has sex, he produces enough
sperm to fertilize every woman in Europe.