October 17, 2002

AND SOMEDAY, A JUICY PATRONAGE APPOINTMENT

I would never willingly recommend that you vote for a politician (unless a lot of filthy lucre were thrown your way to do so), but in this case, I'll have to make an exception. Our curious friend Brian Salmi (aka Sa Tan, aka Ronald Fucking McDonald, aka Godzilla, leader-schmeader of the Rhino Party) is running for city council in November, and if you have any interest at all in turning this sleepy village into something slightly more exciting than calling out Bingo numbers for shut-ins in order to finish off your community service hours, then I highly recommend you get off your ass and mark a big fat X beside his name. Believe it or not, this time Salmi is serious. He has plenty of great ideas and, unlike your typical politician, will speak his mind without pandering to the numbskulls. "I'm not going to bullshit anyone about anything," he writes on his website, "I'm going to tell you what I think and ask you what you think. I am not going to pander to anyone by spouting insincere platitudes or pledging to do things I have no intention of doing." You can read installments of his action plan each week in a Vancouver weekly which I'm not supposed to name (but which begins with Terminal and rhymes with titty), or at www.salmi.ca, where you can also sign up for his weekly newsletter. Now go!

THERE'S WAY TOO MUCH GRANT MONEY OUT THERE

Some truly classic research has been honoured with the 2002 Ig Noble awards, given each year for scientific achievements which "cannot or should not be reproduced." Among the many "winners," here are some of my favourites. In Biology, a study of the courtship behaviour of ostriches towards humans under farming condition in Britain; in Physics, a demonstration that beer froth obeys the mathematical Law of Exponential Decay; in Literature, a study titled The Effects of Pre-Existing Inappropriate Highlighting on Reading Comprehension; and in Medicine, a study with the must-read title Scrotal Asymmetry in Man and in Ancient Sculpture. All the winners are at www.improbable.com.

 


GEORGE W. GOERING
I've seen this quote floating around the web for
some time now, but without verification of its authenticity.
Snopes.com has done their homework, and discovered that this indeed
was spoken by Herman Goering during the Nuremberg trials. "Of course
the people don't want war. But after all, it's the leaders of the
country who determine the policy, and it's always a simple matter to
drag the people along whether it's a democracy, a fascist
dictatorship, or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. Voice or
no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the
leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are
being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism,
and exposing the country to greater danger." 

 


YOU'RE ALL GONNA DIE! (JUST KIDDING)
It seems that people are
spreading the news that the sun is about to blow up  and incinerate
all life on Earth after reading a story on Yahoo.com which quoted a
European Space Agency astrophysicist stating that a blast equal to a
trillion nuclear bombs will occur when the sun blows up within about
six years. Only problem is the Yahoo website posted the story from
the Weekly World News (that bizarre tabloid full of stories about
three-headed aliens and fire-breathing babies), without warning it's
gullible readers not to take it too seriously. Ha ha!
 
 


BUY YOUR GOODS FROM A CRUEL SICK BASTARD
News out of Russia claims
that shopkeepers are using stray dogs as walking billboards for
their businesses. The dogs are lured into shops with cutlets and
sausages, then workers spray paint their shop logos on the side of
the animals and let them go to wander the streets as walking
adverts. The article goes on to report that rival stores often catch
each other's dogs and repaint them in their own colours. 
   
  

(Ananova)
 


SHUT THAT DAMN KID UP
A Spanish inventor claims to have deciphered
the screams of babies and has created an electronic device which
will tell parents why their child is crying. Pedro Monaga says he
has studied over 100 babies, including his own, and has identified
five distinct types of crying, indicating whether a baby is hungry,
bored, tired, stressed or uncomfortable. His gadget, called "Why
Cry," will begin selling in Spain this month for about US$93. 
(Reuters)  
 



DUBYA DUBYA THREE
The Oregonian recently finished their "Operation
Name that War"  contest, in which they asked readers for a creative
new title for the coming war in Iraq. Although they picked a real
lame entrant as the winner (Operation Enduring Whoop-Ass), there
were plenty of great suggestions. Here's a few of the best:
Iraqnophobia; Operation Infinite Oil; The Blair-Bush Project; Sad
Damn War; Rolling Blunder; Operation Been There, Dune That;
Operation Deficit Storm; Not Your Father's Desert Storm; Operation I
Want a War Just Like the War Started (but Inexplicably Not Finished)
By Dear Ol' Dad, and my personal favourite, The Operation Formerly
Known as Desert Storm. 
 

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