October 10, 2002

EVIL KNIEVEL'S IDIOT CHINESE COUSIN

This may look like a funny photoshopped image, but its actually a real photo of Wang Jiaxiong falling to his death last week while trying to jump the Great Wall on his bike. Remember kids, even a helmet can't save your from sheer stupidity. (Reuters)

PRAYING FOR WORLD WAR THREE

One of the most frightening scenarios thrown about by conspiracy theorists has been that there are a group of extreme-right fundamentalist Christians in the U.S. government who are trying to create the conditions for Jesus' second coming by starting World War Three in the Middle East as prophesied in the Book of Revelations. Last Sunday, in an interview aired on 60 Minutes, the Reverend Jerry Falwell came one step closer to confirming my suspicions that this may not be all that farfetched. As well as calling the Prophet Mohammed a terrorist and a man of war, Falwell went on to say that the Christian Right influences American policy toward Israel, and was responsible for stopping Bush's plan to urge Israel to remove its forces from Palestinian towns earlier this year. "There are 70 million of us...there's nothing that would bring the wrath of the Christian public in this country down on this government like abandoning or opposing Israel on a critical matter," Falwell boasted. Fundamentalist Christians believe that the stage must be set for the Battle of Armageddon in order for Jesus Christ to return to Earth, and seem to be excited by the threat of all-out nuclear holocaust in the Middle East. Ed McAteer, founder of the Moral Majority, summed up the twisted logic of his group: "I believe that we are seeing prophecy unfold so rapidly and dramatically and wonderfully, and, without exaggeration, [it] makes me breathless." (CBS News)

 


HOW ABOUT A WORLDWIDE PAY-PER-VIEW CAGE WRESTLING MATCH?
Boy,
this duelling thing is really catching on. Last week, Iraqi
vice-president Taha Yassin Ramadan proposed that a duel between
George W. Bush and Saddam  Hussein could solve this problem
once and for all. He proposed that the duel could be held at a
neutral site with UN Secretary General Kofi Annan refereeing
the match. 
(Associated Press)
 


MAKE LOVE NOT WAR
And yet more innovative ideas to avert a war
in the Middle East. Former Italian porn star La Cicciolina has
offered to giver herself to Saddam Hussein in exchange for
world peace. She claims that she already made the offer once to
Hussein during the first Gulf War. "I would do it holding my
nose and closing my eyes - I would do it for peace," she said.
Only problem is she's got the wrong guy. I think it's Dubya
that desperately needs to release some pent-up sexual
frustration. 
(El Periodicoon)
 


LEGALIZING HEROIN WOULD SOLVE THIS PROBLEM
Maybe we thought we
had it tough as teenagers, but at least there was always plenty
of cheap model glue and liquid paper to sniff. Hard-done-by
kids in Scotland are resorting to burning holes into bus
shelters in order to get high by inhaling the fumes. This
latest low in drug history seems to be the result of a recent
crackdown on shopkeepers who used to sell glue or lighter
fluids to kids. Since the ban began, the burning plastic trick
has become the drug of choice for messed up young addicts.
Health officials are scrambling to get a handle on this problem
as the burning plastic is obviously toxic to humans, and
Scotland already has the highest solvent-related death rate in
the United Kingdom.   
  

(www.news.scotsman.com)
 


I'LL JUST BET THESE GUYS HAVE EXTREMELY SMALL FEET
British
scientists have published research in the Journal of Urology
which, according to them, proves conclusively that the size of
a man's shoes is not correlated to the size of his penis. "This
myth has now been dispelled," said researcher Jyoti Shah, after
"studying" the penile lengths and shoe sizes of 104 men. But
he's not giving up, and intends to find out if any part of the
human body might give the magic clue. "I have some ideas that I
am currently putting together as a research proposal," Shah
said, "there must be some part of the body that is predictive
of penile length...the search continues."  
(Reuters)
 


ADVENTURES IN BAD PARENTING
Well this certainly isn't the
worst example of bad parenting I've had the displeasure to
find, but it sure is a strange new twist. A couple of messed-up
fools in New Orleans were arrested last week after they had
their eight-year-old son try to steal $66 worth of groceries at
a local store. When security staff stopped the boy, the parents
denied knowing who he was and abandoned the kid to fend for
himself. The police quickly figured out what was up and threw
the two losers in jail. The boy is now with his grandmother
while they await trial. 
(New Orleans Times-Picayune)
 
 


BUMS FIGHT BACK
Last week's arrest of the makers of the
Bumfights videos has sparked two of the "bums" used in the
films to sue the producers of the tapes. Donald Brennan, 53,
and Rufus Hanah, 48, have filed a lawsuit seeking over $100,000
in damages and a share of the profits from the videos
(potentially millions of dollars) for suffering civil rights
violations and assualt and battery. An attorney for the two men
claim that the producers of Bumfights took advantage of their
"mental, emotional and physical disabilities" by plying them
with alcohol and having them perform stupid stunts. The lawyer
for the makers of the film sees it quite differently: "Our
clients didn't make these guys homeless, didn't make them
alcoholics," he explained, "I just don't see the lawsuit."

(Tampa Bay Union-Tribune)
 
 


HA HA HA
Finally, after two million internet voters analyzed
40,000 jokes from over 70 countries, the British Association
for the Advancement of Science has declared the world's
funniest joke. "Two hunters are out in the woods when one of
them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes
are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls
emergency services. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is
dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm, soothing voice
replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's
dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the
phone, the hunter says, "Ok, now what?" Okay, maybe that's not
so funny, but what do you expect when you let the masses
decide? Personally, I liked this one, which was the favourite
joke in England:   "Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One
starts to insult the other one. He screams, "I slept with your
mother!" The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the
other weasel will do. The first again yells, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR
MOTHER!" The other says: "Go home dad, you're drunk."
 
(www.laughlab.co.uk)
 


"I READ IT ON THE INTERNET SO IT MUST BE TRUE" FACT OF THE
WEEK
Every time a man has sex, he produces enough sperm to
fertilize every woman in Europe.
 

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