December 30, 1999: A look back at some of the surreal highlights of another truly dysfunctional year on planet Earth.
JANUARY
Scientists release global average temperature stats that
show 1998 was the warmest year on record. The previous warmest year
was 1997, and before that, 1996. Does anyone notice a trend?
JANUARY
The National Security Agency in Maryland bans "Furby" toys
(the must-have item of Christmas '98) from their premises, fearing
that the Furby's ability to repeat words might lead to the unwitting
release of state secrets. Can you say paranoid?
FEBRUARY
Jerry Falwell, who should be seriously seeking
professional help for giving any thought at all to the sexual
orientation of a Teletubby, declares that the Antichrist is alive
and well on planet Earth, and will come to power within ten years.
MARCH 2
The U.S. Patent and Trademark Office grants Patent
Number 5,878,155, an ominous technique which places a tattoo on the
back of your hand to be scanned when you try to buy something, and
which then automatically debits your account to complete the
purchase.
MARCH 24
The U.S.A., self-appointed Police Force
for the World, decides to wage the most massive war in Europe since
1945 (great idea!), for reasons not entirely clear. Not so much a
war as a great environmental catastrophe, depleted-Uranium coated
warheads are used to decimate Belgrade's chemical factories, with
the toxic runoff leaching into the Danube river and killing
farmland downstream. Two months after the rampage, the UN releases a
report warning of miscarriages, birth defects, and diseases of the
nervous system and liver as a result of the pollution.
APRIL
Remote viewers (aka military psychic spies), who had assured us that
sunflares would scorch the entire planet before Easter, are hiding
in lava tubes in the Hawaiian Islands. All life on earth, they said,
would be sterilized, and only those dumb enough to hide in caves
would survive to live on pond scum and melting glacial water.
Thankfully, no one paid much attention.
APRIL 20
In
celebration of Hitler's birthday, schoolkids go nuts at Columbine
High, in only the latest of a seemingly endless string of gun-toting
high-schoolers murdering their classmates this year. Conspiracy
theorists site this as another fine example of mind-control
experimentation on America's youth, proof that the CIA can program
anyone to kill on command.
MAY 15
A
tornado in Oklahoma breaks the world wind-speed record, at 318 miles
per hour.
MAY 24
The Chupacabra, strangely
quiet for most of the year, reappears in Brazil, draining the blood
of nine pigs on a farm.
JUNE
In the midst of the largest and
most elaborate crop circle season on record‹still completely ignored
by the media‹the longest crop circle ever appears: a chain of
pictograms spanning over 1,000 feet. 130 crop circles are reported
in England alone this summer, hoaxers take credit for three of them.
JULY
In what has to be counted as the biggest disappointment
of the year, doomsday prophets have to eat crow as Nostradamus' most
famous prediction fails miserably. In the seventh month, 1999, he
said, the great King of Terror returns from the sky. Speculation
included that the "King of Terror" was either a chemical weapons
carrying terrorist, the rise of the Bible's Antichrist, a mile-long
meteorite plunging to the earth, or even vengeful extraterrestrials
coming to take our real estate. Alas, no such luck.
AUGUST 11
The solar eclipse of August 11 was
supposed to be another harbinger of doom. As the skies darkened over
Europe, the end-of-the-world-as-we-know-it crowd awaited a sign from
the gods. The gods yawned.
AUGUST 17
A devastating earthquake hits Ismit, Turkey, claiming over 17,000
victims. One of the last survivors to be rescued from the rubble is
57-year-old Adalet Ceinol, who, after being buried for 131 hours,
appears to her son in a dream, saying "I am alive, come and save
me," which he did.
SEPTEMBER 9, 1999
Those who were waiting
for the computers to shut down at the sight of 9.9.99 were
disappointed. Even more disappointed were three cult members in east
Java who were beaten to death by fellow cultists when their
prediction that the world would end at 9 a.m. on Sept 9 failed to
materialize.
SEPTEMBER
Scientists perfect a technique for
head transplants. This, combined with the spectre of human cloning,
raises the possibility of transferring your aging head to your own
cloned 25-year-old body. Welcome to the future, it ain't pretty.
OCTOBER
PETA (People for the
Ethical Treatment of Animals), declares October "Slam McDonald's
Month" after two years of negotiations with the corporate behemoth
are called off as McDonald's refuses to address its brutal
mistreatment of animals used for its products.
OCTOBER 12
UN Secretary-General Kofi Annan stages a photo-op with
a new-born baby boy in Sarajevo, chosen to symbolize the six
billionth inhabitant of our crowded planet.
NOVEMBER
Princeton University reveals its contention that psychokinesis (mind
over matter) is scientifically verifiable. This, on the heels of the
closure of Sony's paranormal research lab, which concluded that ESP
(especially clairvoyance) is also real, but not profitable.
NOVEMBER 29
Astronomers discover six more planets beyond our solar
system, bringing the total found, so far, to 39. There are, they
say, at least 10 billion planets in each of the (at least) one
trillion galaxies in this universe. So, even if only one out of a
trillion of those planets had life, that still leaves ten billion
planets where life exists.
DECEMBER 3
The Mars Polar Lander
goes missing, the latest in a series of mishaps near the red planet.
Only 8 of 31 missions to Mars have succeeded, a disturbingly high
failure rate of 74%, which has led to speculation that Mars is a
base for alien craft waiting for their orders to invade Earth, and
they don't take kindly to us sticking our probes on their turf.
DECEMBER 30
One more shopping day 'til Y2K, and Pre-Millennial
Tension is in high gear: Israel cracks down on millenialists
awaiting the return of Christ; a cult hiding in caves in the
Phillipines is forced to evacuate after an earthquake; anarchists
threaten London with another "Great Fire"; Bill Clinton prepares 50
state-of-emergency declarations (one for each state) for Y2K, while
Jean Chretien gets ready to invoke the War Measures Act (read:
martial law) if needed; hackers prepare to unleash Y2K viruses on
the world's computers on January 1; even mild-mannered David Suzuki
hopes for "a major glitch. It might give Mother Earth a rest," he
says. Happy Y2K, and have fun out there!
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Copyright 2000 by Andreas Ohrt
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