September 26, 2002

TWISTED SIGN LANGUAGE

By far the most hilarious thing I've found on the web recently is The Big Book of Sign Language, a dictionary of "contemporary American sign language," originally posted at gapingmaw.com, but removed due to lawsuit threats from Random House (but you can still find it, just do a search). Along with the two classics illustrated above, "You've got the biggest melons I've ever seen", and " Who's up for some fisting?", you'll also find such much-needed signs such as "I'm an idiot," "I work at Wal-Mart," "I had an abortion for Christmas," "Woo-hoo! Metallica Rules!" and "Your mouth's a-flappin' but I'm not a-listening."

ALL THE NEWS THEY DON'T WANT YOU TO READ

If you're into some very heavy reading, check out this year's version of Project Censored, Sonoma State University's annual roundup of the most under-reported news items of 2001-2002. I haven't got nearly enough room to get into all the freaky shit of the top 25, but I'll use this chance to bash the American government just one more time, as they seem to be responsible for a huge portion of censored news. For example, #3: United States' Policies in Colombia Support Mass Murder; #5: U.S. Intentionally Destroyed Iraq's Water System; #6: U.S. Government Pushing Nuclear Revival; #11: Bush Appoints Former Criminals to Key Government Roles; #15: Bush's Energy Plan Threatens Environment and Public Health; and #16: CIA Kidnaps Suspects for Overseas Torture and Execution. Get all the gory details at projectcensored.org.

 


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JUST ANOTHER DRUG INDUSTRY SCAM
A reporter writing for the health
journal Red Flags Weekly, curious as to whether the expiry date on
drugs actually mean anything, has discovered that the practice of
dating medications is, as he puts it, "just another drug industry
scam." He discovered that although some drugs may lose between five
to fifty per cent of their potency after expiration, they still
retain most of their original potency as much as 10 years after the
expiration date. After interviewing drug company representatives, he
found that the expiration date does not mean that the drug will stop
being effective or that it will become harmful. Francis Flaherty, a
retired pharmacist from the FDA, said "manufacturers put expiration
dates on for marketing, rather than scientific, reasons...it's not
profitable for them to have products on a shelf for 10 years. They
want turnover."   
(redflagsweekly.com)
 


PLANNING ARMAGEDDON
Finally the rest of the world's so-called
leaders have begun to awaken to the fact that George W. is a frickin'
psychopath, thanks to a Pentagon report leaked to the L.A. Times
which revealed American contingency plans to use nuclear weapons
against China, Russia, Iran, Iraq, North Korea, Syria and Libya, in
the event of "surprising military developments." The plan was
denounced by world politicians as "power crazy," and the U.S. was
accused of wreaking havoc on the world "to establish its domination."
A British MP added "the lunatics have taken over the White House."
(Daily Mirror)
 


BUT THOSE PRAWNS CAN RUN LIKE THE WIND
If you're fed up with the
high-priced egomaniacs of most professional sports, you've got to
appreciate what the lesser lights have to put up with for the love of
the game. A top striker for a third  division soccer team in Norway
was recently traded for his weight in fresh prawns. Not having any
kind of excess funds to buy the player outright, the two teams
involved in the transaction agreed on the rather unusual payment. 
"Kenneth was in top form when he left us in the winter but he has had
a relaxed summer eating seafood on Flekkerøy. I think this will be a
good deal for us," said Vidar Ulstein, foreman of Vindbjart club.
(aftenposten.no)
 


CAN YOU SAY "?"
You'd be amazed at how many religious "miracles"
there are that I just don't have room to report in this little column
of mine. But rest assured, humans are as delusional as ever. Here's
the latest: thousands of people in Thailand are flocking to a puddle
which they believe is in the shape of Buddha's footprint. Worshippers
have been using the water from the puddle to relieve pain and bring
good fortune. Okay, that's strange enough, but the puddle is also
supposedly being "guarded" by a frog, which is  now weak and close to
death because  people rub talcum powder into the frog's skin hoping
to see winning lottery  numbers. (The Sentinel)
 


IF YOU DON'T HAVE ANYTHING INTELLIGENT TO SAY, JUST ATTACK SOMEONE
SMALLER THAN YOU
Another round of Bushisms has been compiled for our
amusement, where we learn stunning wisdom from Dubya, such as "one of
the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic
pictures." Ah yes, spoken like a Pulitzer prize winner, for sure. 
Check out the list at rense.com , and don't
forget bushisms.com, for an entire history of Bush blather. 
 


OUCH!
A 38-year-old man who accidently sawed off his right hand with
a circular saw last week calmly wrapped his wrist with a rag and duct
tape and drove himself to the hospital where surgeons spent eight
hours reattaching the bones, arteries, veins, nerves and tendons.

 
(mcall.com)
 

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