August 15, 2002

A team of Japanese and Russian scientists, led by Professor Akira Iritani of the "Mammoth Creation Society," is planning on resurrecting extinct Siberian creatures and creating a vast "safari park" in northern Siberia. Their first task is to excavate creatures which were frozen some 20,000 years ago, and try to find a good piece of DNA, or, ideally, some frozen sperm. Then they will cross-breed the DNA with the animals' modern counterparts, and return the cloned animals to the reserve. Their search includes DNA from the Siberian tiger, steppe lions, giant deer, ancient foxes and the ancestors of the Siberian horse, as well as mammoths and woolly rhinos. "It probably sounds a little far-fetched, but it's absolutely possible to do this," said Professor Iritani. He figures his plan will take about 20 years, when once-extinct creatures will once again roam the steppe on a reserve which will cover an area about twice the size of Britain. (The Scotsman)

MEETING WOMEN BY ACCIDENT

An Italian man has finally been arrested after spending the last ten years causing minor car accidents in order to meet women. Police have charged him with fraud, harassment and property damage after they discovered the scheme, in which he disabled the brake light of his car, waited for women to rear-end him, and then took their names and phone numbers. After the "accident" he would often call women for many months hoping to get a date. (The Oregonian)

WATCH YOUR ADVERTISING DOLLARS GROW

The latest exciting offer to show up on eBay is the chance to buy some advertising space on a man's penis. Yes, some dude is auctioning off the right for corporations to tattoo their logo on his schlong. Charming. And if you can't afford the penis, he's offering up space on each of his ass cheeks as well. (UK Register)

MAYBE YOU SHOULD PAY YOUR SURGEON UP FRONT

Dr. David Arndt, an orthopedic surgeon in Cambridge, Mass., has had his medical license suspended after he walked out in the middle of spinal surgery in order to cash his paycheck before the bank closed. In his rather weak defense, he justified his actions because he said he was in a financial crisis and had to pay some overdue bills. He explained that he thought the surgery would be over before the banks closed, but the operation was taking longer than he expected. He did return after 35 minutes to finish the operation, and the patient was unharmed, but the hospital board is continuing the investigation, calling Dr. Arndt "an immediate and serious threat to the health, safety, and welfare of the public." (Boston Globe)

MEOW, HACK, GAG, MEOW

In what I suppose must be the first study done on the effects of second-hand smoke on cats, Dr. Antony Moore, of Tufts University in Massachusetts, found that cats exposed to second-hand smoke had more than double the risk of acquiring feline lymphoma (cat cancer) than cats not exposed to smoke. The risk quadrupled in two-smoker households. (Western Daily Press)

DRINKING PROBLEM

A kidney specialist writing in the Journal of Physiology claims that the common advice to drink eight glasses of water a day have no foundation in physical science. Dr. Heinz Valtin, of the Dartmouth Medical School, says he was trying to find the origin of the belief that high water consumption is necessary for healthy people, and wanted to examine the scientific evidence underlying the idea. Instead, he reports that he was able to find absolutely no scientific studies which support the intake of eight glasses of water per day. Instead, he found numerous published experiments which prove that the human body is quite capable of maintaining proper water balance without constantly guzzling water He writes that he finds it "difficult to believe that evolution left us with a chronic water deficit that needs to be compensated by forcing a high fluid intake." (cosmiverse.com)

SUCKAPALOOZA

1,128 new mothers in Berkeley, California, smashed the world record for "Most Women Breastfeeding Simultaneously" last week at a mass nurse-in organized to promote the benefits of breastfeeding. The previous record had been held by 767 Australian women. (Reuters)

"I READ IT ON THE INTERNET SO IT MUST BE TRUE" FACT OF THE WEEK

If you could use up all the unredeemed frequent flyer miles of everyone in the world, you could take 42,500 round-trip flights to the sun.