August 1, 2002

BIG BROTHER MIGHT NOT BE WATCHING, BUT THE CABLE GUY SURE IS

If you're American you'll want to keep an eye in the back of your head next month when Operation TIPS (Terrorism Information and Prevention System) is launched. TIPS will be recruiting a million Americans to keep an eye out for "suspicious" activities in the countries ten largest cities. An army of volunteers has already stepped up rat out their neighbours. Postal workers, doormen, cable guys, delivery drivers and local shopkeeper are all being hailed as the "eyes and ears" of American domestic security. A national telephone hotline and a network of reporting centres are also being set up, so anyone can feel free to talk trash about anyone who doesn't look quite American enough. The American Civil Liberties Union has estimated that TIPS will create one spy for every 24 citizens in the U.S., a ration higher than that used by the notorious Stasi secret police in the former East Germany. (The Telegraph)

STRANGE DAYS CONTINUE

What the heck is going on down in Argentina? The cattle mutilation count is up near 400, including 19 cows found stuffed in a huge water tank by means unknown, and six cattle found dead in the depths of a nearly inaccessible forest, 75 miles from the nearest city. Then there are reports of a strange green monster making the rounds, and near constant sightings of UFOs and bright lights in the skies. The latest sighting was confirmed by over 20 police officers who witnessed a strange craft which was reported as being triangular in shape, measuring about 200 meters long, with countless portholes which housed bright spotlights along the side. The investigation continues, and I'll keep you updated. (El Diario de la Republica)

DOOMSDAY ALERT

Scientists reported last week that the Earth may or may not be destroyed on February 1, 2019, when a two kilometre wide asteroid is scheduled to pass perilously close to our planet. Most astronomers suspect that 2002 NT7 will probably miss, but if it does hit us, the force of impact would be powerful enough to destroy a continent and cause global climate changes. Of course, if you want a real doomsday scenario, and you can't wait 17 more years, do a web search on Planet X, and you'll find that there is a planet with a very strange orbit heading into our solar system, and it's going to cause a pole shift and massive upheaval on our planet in May of 2003. Check out www.zetatalk.com or www.planetx2003.com, then spend the next eleven months blowing your life savings and maxing out all your credit cards in preparation for the end times.

YOU COULD GO ON A DIET, BUT YOU'LL ALWAYS BE STUPID

It was inevitable. The land of pointless lawsuits has upped itself once again, with a lawyer in New York planning a class action suit against McDonald's, Burger King, Wendy's and KFC for causing obesity, diabetes, high blood pressure and related health problems in fat Americans everywhere. His first plaintiff is 57-year old Caesar Barber, who says he ate fast food four to five times per week. "It was a necessity," he explained, "and I think it was killing me, my doctor said it was killing me, and I don't want to die." (Fox News)

IT'S A SAFE BET THAT CEOs ARE CHEATING ON THEIR WIVES

Police have arrested a 35-year-old Korean man who had copied a successful scam carried out by a Japanese man who raked in about 220 million yen by randomly sending letters to corporate executives threatening to expose their extramarital affairs if they didn't pay up. He had sent 250 copies of the letter, which read "I am working with a pornography business, and I have secured evidence that you committed adultery. Unless you send 1 million won to me, I will publicize it," and he had already received about US$7,500 by the time police caught up with him. (Korea Herald)

ISN'T GETTING DRUNK EXPENSIVE ENOUGH?

City councillors in Shepparton, Australia, have approved an eleven per cent "vomit tax" on all licensed hotels which remain open during the hours of 3:00 and 6:00 a.m. The taxes will be used to pay for cleaning up the mess left by drunks who often heave in the streets and vandalize property in the wee hours of the morning. (ABC News)

CRUEL AND UNUSUAL PUNISHMENT

Check out www.prisonexp.org. for pretty thorough documentation of what must be the most bizarre and notorious sociological experiment ever carried out on willing volunteers. On August 14, 1971, professors at Stanford University seperated two dozen college students (who were selected from over 70 volunteers because they were considered normal, healthy, intelligent people) into groups of guards and prisoners, and set them up in a mock prison setting in order to view the psychological effects of prison life. Within a few days the guards became increasingly sadistic, using various methods of abuse and degradation to establish control over the prisonsers, and the prisoners began exhibiting all the classic symptoms of actual inmates, with increasing depression, anxiety and withdrawal. The study was ended after only six days after video footage showed that the guards were escalating their abuse of prisoners during the night when they thought the researchers weren't watching them.

BONEHEAD QUOTE OF THE WEEK

The list of stupid Bushisms just keeps growing. Last week, at a ceremony of scientists and engineers, the brilliant president was quoted as saying "I'm sorry the room is so small. I suspect we could have accommodated a lot more people if we had a bigger room." (The Oregonian)

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