July 25, 2002

WORLD'S BEST HACK

The winner of the 21st annual Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest has been announced. The contest, also known as the Dark and Stormy Night Contest, challenges participants to write the worst possible opening sentence to an imaginary novel. This year's winner, Rephah Berg of Oakland, California, won with this gem: "On reflection, Angela perceived that her relationship with Tom had always been rocky, not quite a roller-coaster ride but more like when the toilet paper roll gets a little squashed so it hangs crooked and every time you pull some off you can hear the rest going bumpity-bumpity in its holder until you go nuts and push it back into shape." (UPI)

SEND IN THE CLONES

Italian doctor Severino Antinori, who last year promised he would clone a human within a year, gave an interview last week with the French newspaper Liberation in which he said that the first human clone will be born in December. He said that he had transferred 18 embryos created by cloning, and was able to successfully obtain one pregnancy. The embryo was created using tissue from the father, which will make the child an exact genetic duplicate, and if the child is born male, he will be a twin of his father.

THE BEST THING IS THEIR LITTLE PAWS CAN'T HANDLE THOSE TINY BUTTONS ON THE REMOTE

The Meow Mix cat food company is developing a television series to entertain cats, and is currently holding auditions for children and a "captivating feline host" in eight American cities. The CEO of Meow Mix explained that there are 85 million cats in the U.S., and studies indicate that 22 per cent of cat owners say they watch TV shows which they know their cats will enjoy (Huh? Which studies? Who are these losers?). The 30-minute program, which will be ready for the fall season, and is creatively titled "Meow TV" will feature squirrels, bouncing balls, birds and "all the things cats love to watch." How about kitty porn? (UPI)

POP SOME PILLS, GET WASTED, FEEL GREAT

A type of volcanic rock which was being tested to help patients suffering with the side effects of cancer treatment has been found to cure the common hangover. The British firm Global Health Products is ready to begin marketing the volcanic dust, also called zeolite, which acts as a natural detoxifying agent. "It resides in the gut and will attach itself like a piece of velcro to all the toxins and poisons you don't want in your body," said Dr. Kenneth Maule, "you just urinate the problem away." He estimates that six pills before drinking should be enough to ward off the hangover from an average night of drinking. "Add an extra two pills for every extra four pints," he warns. The product is already for sale on the internet, under the name Zetox. (Reuters)

HOPE FOR THE HIDEOUSLY UGLY

Two plastic surgeons, writing in the medical journal The Lancet, have outlined techniques to carry out face transplants from dead donors to people suffering from facial disfigurement, burns, facial cancers, or accidents. Peter Butler, of London's Royal Free Hospital, and Shehan Hettiaratchy, of Harvard Medical School, explained that incisions could be made around the back of the head and scalp of the dead donor, and the face could then be removed from the skeleton. A thin layer of skin tissue would then be attached to the recipient, and blood supply and nerve reconnection would finish the job. (Herald Sun)

AND WHAT DO NOXIOUS EMISSIONS REPRESENT?

Last week, we learned about Ulf Buck, the blind psychic who claimed to be able to read your future on your ass. This week, some handy tips from Buck, for other potential butt-readers. 1) Lines representing success, career and artistic ability extend inward from the outer extremities of the buttocks, while a further five lines radiate outward. 2) An apple-shaped, muscular bottom indicates someone who is charismatic, dynamic, very confident and often creative. A person who enjoys life. 3) A pear-shaped bottom suggests someone very steadfast, patient and down-to-earth. (Reuters)

CANADIAN CROP CIRCLES

The Canadian Crop Circle Research Network has put out a call requesting the "continued assistance of farmers, pilots, media and the general public in its investigative efforts regarding crop circles." Any sightings of unusual crop formations should be reported as quickly as possible to one of the CCCRN provincial head offices. Also, the first North American crop circle conference, "Signs of Destiny," will be held in Phoenix, Arizona, November 22-24. Check out all the info on Canadian Crop Circles at www.geocities.com/cropcirclecanada

HEY BABY, NICE CARROT

Some people see Jesus' face in a potato. And others see his pecker in their carrots. Weirdos.

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