July 18, 2002

TIME TO SEND IN THOSE DUDES FROM THE X-FILES

The provincial government in La Pampa, Argentina, has dismissed a report from the National Health Service which claimed that the "red-muzzled mouse" was largely responsible for nearly 200 recent cattle mutilations. Various government officials, veterinarians and agronomists have mocked the report, stating that the red-muzzled mouse does not even exist in La Pampa, and that the extensiveness of lesions on the mutilated cattle could not possibly have been caused by rodents. Meanwhile, a similar study carried out by the Uruquayan government concluded that cattle mutilations were caused by the German Yellow Jacket Wasp. (rense.com)

I THOUGHT WE'RE TEACHING CHILDREN TO STAY AWAY FROM DIRTY OLD MEN

And now, from the Jerry Springer school of reality imitating television, this messed up news: an 11-year-old girl has given birth to a baby fathered by a 75-year-old man who she met through the Adopt-A-Grandparent program. Apparently the young girl's church suggested she spend some time with the old guy to keep him from getting lonely. Brilliant frickin' idea. Not that it helps much, but the father of the child is being charged with six counts of first degree sexual assault and various other charges. (AP)

YOUR ASS IS TALKING TO ME

I'm always impressed when someone comes up with an entirely original scam to part the suckers from their hard-earned cash. So kudos to 39-year-old Ulf Buck, a blind German psychic, who claims to be able to see your future by reading the lines on your ass, which, he claims, are much more reliable than the lines in your palm. " The bottom is much more intense," he explains, "it has a much stronger sense of expression than the hand in my experience." (National Post)

EAT YOUR VEGGIES

Confirming my long-standing suspicion that sucking nutrients out of a fruit or vegetable, sticking them into gel caps and bottling them up in a factory probably won't do much for the health of your body, are the results of a five-year long study which found that daily doses of vitamins do nothing to guard against diseases. Zip, zilch, squat... The research was done at the University of Oxford, and was carried out on 20,000 people aged between 40 and 80-years-old, who were given high doses of vitamin E, vitamin C, and beta-carotene, all antioxidants which, in their natural form, help the body defend against cancer, heart disease, high blood pressure and other diseases. The researchers concluded that those who are at high risk of these diseases would be better off eating fresh fruits and vegetables. (CBC)

THAT'LL ALL CHANGE WHEN THE HANGOVER HITS

Someone must have slipped some really good ecstacy into Moroccan King Mohammed's wine at his wedding festivities last week. In an outrageous fit of goodwill, the king ordered the release of 8,400 Moroccan prisoners, and reduced the sentences of 42,200 others. (Reuters)

OR MAYBE IT'S THOSE COMMIE PINKOS SPYING ON US

A Russian author has written a book claiming that all the UFO sightings since the 1940s have not been of unidentified objects, but of secret American aircraft used to spy on the Soviets. Pavel Poluyan, in his book Liquidation of the UFO, claims that the U.S. built and tested various "flying saucers" as part of their espionage program. These test vehicles are the "UFOs" which people have been seeing for the past 50 years. (unknowncountry.com)

AND IT'S A TERRIFIC DEODORANT

It's heart-warming to know that the old tradition of medicine men selling snake oil to the gullible masses is still alive and well in the 21st century. Last week, police in Calcutta arrested two men who were selling a mixture of cow dung and cow urine which they claimed was a cure-all for such various ailments as AIDS, cancer and tuberculosis. (Reuters)

THE JAMES BOND ARMY

The United Kingdom has unveiled plans to turn its infantry-men into a high-tech "robo-soldiers" with all sorts of fancy new gadgets built into their outfits. The new soldiers will be equipped with guns capable of shooting around corners, computerized helmets which can download maps, and a whisper-sensitive radio implanted in the ear. The project, code-named FIST (Future Integrated Soldier Technology) will begin testing in 2008 and should be ready in 2012. (Sunday Times)

CHEAP, SIMPLE THERAPY

A student in Romania is earning money for his college textbooks by letting stressed out business men yell at him for a small fee. "One man got so hysterical I thought he was going to turn violent," said 22-year-old Lucian Stoenescu, "but within minutes he'd got rid of his anger and thanked me for doing an excellent job." (The Daily Express)

THE TWO OF THEM HAVE A COMBINED I.Q. OF 18

A couple who met in a 7-Eleven store in Florida decided to get married at 7:11 a.m., on July 11 (7/11) at the 7-Eleven store where they met. (UPI)

LET THERE BE ROCK

According to the World Rock Paper Scissors Society website 2002 has been declared the "Year of the Rock."

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