July 11, 2002

DELICIOUS AND NUTRITIOUS

What is it with Urine Therapy? I mean, I can understand why someone might drink their own pee in order to get out of being tortured, or to impress a chick at a party, but who in their right mind drinks piss as medicine? In my professional opinion, if your body is discharging it, you probably shouldn't drink it. But, then, what do I know about drinking urine. Nothing, that's what. So if you've been thinking of trying this rather unorthodox "medical" procedure, check out an article in the new issue of Nexus magazine which will tell you more than you ever wanted to know about this practice. For example, did you know that Urine Therapy is outlined in 5,000-year-old sacred Hindu texts, wherein it's described as "one of the divine manifestations of cosmic intelligence...has been used as such by Indian yogis to unleash kundalini up to their third eye." Yes, sir. Equally fascinating is the advice that "middle stream of fresh, warm, morning urine is the most potent." They claim it tastes delicious mixed with orange juice, but if that's too tame for you, "gargling with it is helpful for a sore throat." This article also advises that "oral drops of fresh urine can be placed directly under the tongue" (yum!), and "urine may be used as eye drops and ear drops, in foot baths and even as effective enemas." Ah yes, for the rebel whose tried everything, there's nothing like a good urine enema to stand apart for the crowd. And if all that urine ingestion doesn't heal your ills, you'll discover that "cures work faster and more effectively in those who are bathed, massaged, rubbed and soaked in their own urine." Wait a minute, when did a frat-boy hazing ritual become an healing technique? If that's not enough to get you just a bit queasy, the author of this article assures menstrating women that yes, indeed, it is safe to drink your urine during your period. Hey, make mine a double!

TIT PRANKS, LESSON ONE

And the winner of the world's most ingenious and convoluted way to get a look at some naked breasts goes to a couple in Portugal whose scheme convinced four women to stand at their windows with the shirts off. The plan began when a woman posing as a doctor phoned the four victims, and explained to them a revolutionary new method of mammograhy done by satellite. The women were told they could have free breast exams done simply by standing naked by their windows and looking up in the direction of the satellite. Later, when the "doctor" called back with the results, she started vividly describing her sexual desires to the four victims. Police are investigating the complaints, and taking lots of pictures of the crime scene, I suppose. (ABC News)

IS THERE ANYBODY OUT THERE?

New estimates suggest that there could be as many as 30 billion Earth-like planets outside of our solar system. Astronomers have almost finished surveying all the Sun-like stars within about 1000 light-years from Earth, and have discovered that about ten per cent of those are circled by planetary systems. Last week astronomers found the 100th exoplanet (a planet which circles are star other than our sun), a gaseous giant much like Jupiter, circling a star 293 light-years away. (BBC)

UNIDENTIFIED FLYING IMPERIALISTS

But maybe we shouldn't be so quick to try to find life outside our solar system. An astronomer in Britain, Dr. Richard Hall, gave a presentation last week in which he warned that contact with aliens could prove extremely dangerous for humans, as primitive civilizations (that would be us Earthlings) which meet with more highly advanced technological civilizations are usually wiped out. In classic British understatement, Hall remarked that attempts to contact civilizations in outer space could prove "horribly counter-productive." (www.stuff.co.nz)

HOT DOG!

Takeru "The Tsunami" Kobayashi, who last year smashed all hot dog eating records with a gut-wrenching 50 dogs, this year has again won the coveted "Mustard Yellow Belt" and broken his own record by hoovering 50 1/2 hot dogs in 12 minutes. A bit of controversy followed the decision, as some of the competitors accused Kobayashi of heaving up some of the grub during the final seconds of the contest, which would normally be grounds for disqualification. But judges ruled that the "roman-method incident" (the term for regurgitating created by the Internationl Federation of Competitive Eating) happened after the contest, and that none of the partially-digested hot dogs and buns actually hit the table or floor. Kobayashi, who weighed in at 113 pounds, left the contest weighing 120. (ESPN)

YEAH, RIGHT

The team of scientists who were sent to investigate the nearly 200 animal mutilations recently reported in Argentina have come back with their cover story. The team concluded that the wild animals all suddenly died from a natural infection, and then were mutilated by rats, birds, and foxes. No word on how the blood was drained from these animals, or how some animals had their genitals precisely removed. (Reuters)

WASH YOU HANDS BEFORE DINNER...AH SCREW IT!

A study done at Bristol University has found that keeping children obsessively clean increases their risk of developing eczema or asthma. Researchers found that the increase in risk was directly related to the frequency of washing the children, and those who were showered or bathed more than twice a day were at the highest risk of developing the conditions. The scientists theorized that contact with common dirt and grime helps to strengthen the immune system, and that as more children stay indoors and more anti-bacterial products are used around the house, allergies, skin and respiratory ailments may increase. (The Telegraph)

COME ON, I DARE YA

Oh yes, by the way, in recognition of Nude Recreation Week (July 8-14) I am writing this column in my Birthday Suit. Why not join the celebration by taking off your clothes right now?

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