July 4, 2002

WAR STINKS

India's Uttar Predesh Cow Protection Commission has advised people that holy cow dung may be able to help protect them from the effects of radiation burn and nuclear fallout in the event of a nuclear was with Pakistan. The Commission, which normally focuses on preventing the eating of India's holy cows, and promoting the use of cow dung and urine as medicinal agents, has now included protection from nuclear war on its list of magical powers which cow shit possesses. "Even if the enemy carries out the threat to bomb us with nukes we don't have to panic. You can fully protect yourselves by covering the roof with cow dung. Applying cow dung paste to the body from head to toe will serve as an extra shield," promises a spokesman from the group. (Eightball Magazine)

WORLD'S WORST SOCCER MATCH

While Brazil was finishing off Germany in the World Cup Final last week, another, much more meaningful soccer match was being played in the small nation of Bhutan, host of the Worst Team World Cup Final, in which Bhutan escaped the title of World's Worst Soccer Team by beating Montserrat 4-0. Bhutan and Montserrat are now officially ranked as 203rd and 204th on the list of World Soccer Superpowers. A documentary filmmaking team caught all the action and will release a film based on the action later this year, titled The Other Final. (UPI)

HOW TO SPEAK CAT

The BBC's Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy website has published a pretty amusing guide called "How To Speak Cat." Along with thorough explanations as to the true meaning of cat body language, such as dilated pupils, eye-squinting, nuzzling, fur on end, head on paws, and padding, you can also find a cat vocabulary dictionary with definitions for the cat words brrr, brrr-REEOW, C-H-EEE, mee-OWW, REE-OOO, rrr-AHA-AHA-AHA and thrrr- thrrr- thrrr. (BBC)

SAVE THAT BITCH

TA woman in New Orleans faces charges of misusing the 911 emergency service after two fire trucks, two sheriff's deputies and an ambulance crew rushed to her home to save the life of her three-year-old daughter, who had stopped breathing. When the rescue workers arrived, they discovered that her "daughter" was a pet dog. "I have two sons and two daughters, and they're all animals," she said, explaining that she often refers to her animals as children. (The Times/Picayune)

JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT PARANOID DOESN'T MEAN THEY'RE NOT OUT TO GET YOU

If you're getting paranoid from all the new Big Brother technologies being developed (microchips in your hand, GPS in your cell phone, face recognition cameras, etc...) and you don't feel like being tracked by The Man, check out a cool article compiled by Wired Magazine that lays out some of the main steps to disappearing completely and never being found. Among the advice: ditch your credit cards, pay cash, opt out from the major database companies, stop using your ISP and get an anonymous email remailer, re-apply for a new social security number (if you're American) and never use your new number, wear sunglasses and a big hat, use pay phones instead of cell phones, and live in hotels and give your new address as 3500 S. Wacker, Chicago, IL, 60616 - the front door to Comiskey Park. (Wired Magazine)

THE COUNTRIES FORMERLY KNOWN AS "DIRT POOR"

The World Bank announced last week that the former "third world" nations, which had been called "underdeveloped countries" during the 80s, then "developing countries" during the 90s, are now to be referred to as "low-income countries under stress." (The Oregonian)

NOT SUCH A BRIGHT IDEA

The Czech Republic has become the world's first nation to introduce "light pollution" laws in order to keep it's skies naturally dark. Astronomers are particularly excited about the law, as even a small amount of light ruins stargazing opportunities in most cities. The new law will require all outdoor lighting to be shielded so that the light goes only in the direction needed and never up into the night sky. An international group called the Dark Sky Association is planning to lobby other governments to enact similar legislations. (Nature)

UB6IB9

A woman in Columbus, Ohio, who received a license plate that read "BLO4SX" has asked the plate to be replaced by another, less suggestive combination of letters and numbers. "I laughed at first," she said, "I told my sister, my mom and my dad and they laughed too. But...I had some honks and a couple people pulled next to me and kind of snickered." (DenverChannel.com)

SAVE YOURSELVES THE TROUBLE AND JUST REMAKE MARY POPPINS

And in yet more political correctness run amok, a British theatre company is dropping the word "hunchback" from their stage adaption of the classic Victor Hugo novel, and plan on putting on a play entitled "The Bellringer of Notre Dame" after discussions with a disability adviser concluded that people suffering from spina bifida or scoliosis of the spine might take offense at the title "The Hunchback of Notre Dame." (Reuters).

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