June 27, 2002

PYRAMID POWER

Sometimes you think you've stumbled upon a really funny website, which then turns out to be annoyingly serious. This time, it's www.n-ncompany.com, where you can become the geekiest new-age flake in town by ordering their Atlantean One Meditation Helmet. No, really...

THOSE KOOKY ALIENS WITH THEIR CHILDISH PRANKS

After the largest wave of cattle mutilations in years, Argentina is sending a team of scientists to the province of La Pampa to investigate over 70 strange animals deaths over the past few weeks. Farm animals have been found dissected, mutilated and drained of their blood in such highly peculiar ways that most farmers believe that aliens of some kind must be to blame. Some of the animals have had their genitals and tongues pulled out with surgical precision, and left surrounded by charred grass without blood stains. There are no signs that the animals may have been attacked by wild boars, and the meat on the cattle is left untouched, despite a huge increase in cattle theft in that nation. "I'd have to say I side with the paranormals on this one," said one farmer, "the way the entrails were removed through a burn-like incision in the cow's rear-end is very strange." (CNN)

TELEPORTATION BREAKTHROUGH

A research team at the Australian National University have managed to teleport a laser beam using a process called quantum entanglement, in which the beam is disassembled at one end of an optical communications system and recreated about a meter away. "What we have demonstrated here is that we can take billions of photons, destroy them simultaneously, and then recreate them in another place," said lead researcher Dr. Ping Koy Lam. The main application of this technological breakthrough will be to provide completely unbreakable encryption codes for computer transactions and vastly improved computer speeds. Scientists say we're still "very, very far away" from creating a machine that might be able to teleport the trillions upon trillions of atoms in a human body. (The Australian)

INVITE THE MAYOR OVER AND PILEDRIVE HIM

The town of Babylon, New York, has passed a bylaw banning backyard boxing and wrestling rings after complaints filed by neighbours of a woman who installed a $6,000 wrestling ring in her backyard in order to keep her 17-year-old son out of trouble. "All we hear is cursing and boom, bam, boom," complained her neighbours, who took the issue to city hall. The woman has hired a lawyer of her own and will fight the bylaw in court. (New York Times)

FLYING CARS, AT LAST - NOW WHERE ARE THE ROBOT SLAVES AND BUBBLE CITIES?

I'm not sure exactly how trustworthy the New York Post is, but they reported last week that Toyota has designed a flying car in a top-secret project. The machine has been called "the aeronautical equivalent of the Lexus LS400," and will sell for about $50,000. No word on when it will be marketed.

TEACHING THEM THE FACTS OF LIFE

A teacher in Thompson, Manitoba was suspended or three days after giving her 13 and 14-year-old students a math exam which included questions about pimps, prostitutes, machine guns, cocaine trafficking, and knocking up the girls in your gang. Apparently, the teacher took some of the questions from an internet joke site which had posted "The City of Los Angeles High School Math Proficiency Exam" and included questions such as "Rufus is a pimp for three girls. If the price is $65 per trick, how many tricks per day must each girl turn to support Rufus' $800 per day crack habit?" (Reuters)

THE BEST ANTIDOTES TO VOTER APATHY

Political parties in the Czech Republic have been offering some new goodies to try to win supporters. When the Christian Democrats started handing out free shots of plum brandy during their weekend election rally, the Communist party brought out five topless women to hand out campaign literature. "This is something completely new," said one voter, "And it's nice." (Reuters)

LOVELY BEACH, WARM WATER, FREE SEX

A sexually-frustrated dolphin off the coast of a seaside resort in Dorset, UK, has been trying to lure swimmers away from the beach in order to have his way with them. "This dolphin does get very sexually aggressive," said marine mammal expert Ric O'Barry, "he has already attempted to mate with some divers." Swimmers looking for a cheap thrill have been warned to stay away from the dolphin, as his sexual advances could easily injure or drown a human. (London Times).

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