June 6, 2002

DIGITALLY-ENHANCED CHUPACABRAS

The Calama UFO Centre in Chile has commissioned this image of the Chupacabras, designed by artist Christian Aguirre (www.cristart.com). Aguirre spent four months gathering 45 descriptions from eyewitnesses who had claimed to see the beast, and compiled the most common desriptions into this image.

AND STILL MORE FROM THE "END OF THE WORLD" FILES

Okay, now I've heard everything. A couple of sick fucking losers in Indiana have been arrested and charged with forcing their children (who were aged between four and eight) to perform sex acts for their perverted neighbours. Here's hoping that two first-class tickets straight-to-hell have been reserved for these two psychos, who sold $30 tickets to "friends and neighbours" who came to watch their young children perform forced and simulated sexual activities including having one child urinate on the other. In addition to the warped entertainment, the children were sexually abused by both their parents, and were routinely beaten with extension cords, belts and sticks. The parents face a potential 200 years in prison each, where, God willing, they will receive the punishment they so richly deserve. (thetimesonline.com)

HAPPY AS A PIG IN MUD WITH A VIBRATOR

In the hopes of making artificial insemination more enjoyable for pigs, a company in Holland has created a combination sperm reservoir/pig vibrator. A spokesperson from the company which designed the tool says that the vibrations cause sows to get sexually aroused "in no time," which, apparently, is "beneficial" for insemination. (AFP)

IT'S BEEN NICE KNOWING YOU, SON

The Dainik Ujala newspaper in India reports a growing trend of children using the threat of walking into fields of landmines in order to blackmail their parents into giving them what they want. In one example, a teenage boy was rescued after walking into mined territory because his parents refused to buy him a motorbike. In another case, two lovers threatened to blow themselves up if their parents refused to let them get married.

SICK OF WORKING

A survey carried out by the Daily Express in England has found that over half of workers under the age of 30 have phoned in sick in order to have sex. It also found that 24 per cent of over-50s have also phoned in sick for sex. The survey also found that 56 per cent of workers called in sick due to a hangover, and about 25 per cent invented a family member's death in order to take time off work.

BOY, I WISH I HAD RICH, DUMB FRIENDS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL

Police are investigating over 60 teenagers who trashed and burned a million-dollar home over the U.S. Memorial Day weekend. The trouble started when a 16-year-old boy was left at home while his parents went to their cottage. He invited a few friends over to play pool, and then left them there as he went to join his parents. Within hours, his friends had invited dozens of youths over for a huge house party. According to the police, by 3 a.m. the next morning the party had turned into an orgy of looting and destruction as kids stole all the valuables in the house, including all the liquor, then trashed the home and set fire to rear of the house, creating about one million dollars in damage. Brilliant investigation by the police chief concluded "we suspect it was just a wild, alcohol-fueled free-for-all." (Detroit Free Press)

THE ONLY REASON YOUR PET TOLERATES YOU IS BECAUSE YOU FEED IT, DUMBASS

Sonya Fitzpatrick, one of the world's few animal psychics, has parlayed her unique "talent" into a TV show to be aired on the Animal Planet cable network. The Pet Psychic begins next fall, with Fitzpatrick solving the problems of those who have "troubled pets" as she telepathically psychoanalyzes the animals. But before you apply to get on this show, please remember, if you think the pet psychic can solve your problems, you probably need more help than a television sideshow freak can provide. (animaldiscovery.com)

TRY FUCKING SOMETHING

In one of the most bizarre murders in recent memory, a 50-year-old Nigerian man has been arrested for killing a woman with a machete, disemboweling her, and taking her intestines home in order to cook up a stew. In his confession to the police, he told them that he had been told that eating her stewed intestines would cure him of his constant erection. He complained to the police that he always has an erection which will not go down, and he was desperate for a cure. (AFP)

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Copyright 2002 by Andreas Ohrt
Email:aohrt@hotmail.com
Website:www.curioustimes.com