May 16, 2002

IN SEARCH OF...ANCIENT ASTRONAUTS

Scientists from Bashkir State University in Russia have found a remarkable relief map carved into an ancient stone plate which seems to indicate that a highly developed civilization occupied the region over 120 million years ago. The plate, found in 1999, weighs over one ton and maps out the entire Ural region, showing various engineering feats including over 12,000 kms of channels and dams. The most phenomenal aspect of the map is that it could not have been carved by a stone-cutter. X-ray photographs have confirmed that the slab had been carved by precision tools. As well, the technology needed to create such a three-dimensional relief map requires super computers and aerospace survey from space. Alexandr Chuvyrov, doctor of physical and mathematical science at Bashkir University, says "I do not like talks about some UFO and extraterestrial," but admitted, "the more I learn the more I understand that I know nothing." (Pravda.ru)

THE DEATH WISH CONTINUES

Troy Hurtubise, creator of the grizzly bear-proof suit, is in the news again after finishing his latest, greatest bear suit, the Ursus Mark VII. Last December, Hurtubise was supposed to test his invention against a 585-kilogram Kodiak grizzly, but the owner of the bear took one look at the suit and called the test off, saying the fight was a dangerous mismatch. Undettered, Hurubise went back to work, creating a bigger, stronger suit, this one made from stainless steel, heavy-gaguge aluminum and cast titanium - as opposed to the mostly high-tech plastic, chain-mail and miles of duct tape used for the last suit. The Mark VII also boasts a built-in video screen, a cooling system, pressure-bearing titanium struts, advanced protective airbags and shock absorbers. His battle with the Kodiak is now scheduled for June. (Projecttroy.com)

VEGAN IS MURDER

Incredible new research carried out at the University of Bonn has discovered not only that plants scream in pain when they are cut, but also cry out in stress if they sense danger or if they develop a sickness. Dr. Frank Kühnemann has developed laser-driven microphones which can pick up sounds which are inaudible to humans. "The more a plant is subjected to stress," he claims, "the louder the signal we get on our microphone." One of the strangest discoveries happened when a normal looking cucumber seemed to be "shouting with agony." A closer inspection showed that the vegetable had develped mildew. Using the microphone, the researchers were able to detect infections on vegetables the day they occured, although visible symptoms take a full week to develop. Plants also seem to warn each other approaching dangers, using a chemical message which acts as an alarm signal. (London Times)

LOOKING FOR A NEW CAREER?

One of your secret dreams has probably always been to become an ordained minister, no? Well, thanks to the internet, you can now become a minister in under three minutes at www.ulc.org. The Universal Life Church has ordained over 20 million minister worldwide since 1959, they claim, and promise their scam is 100% legal and free for life. "We accept everyone from all faiths, beliefs and religions," the website boasts, "after your instant ordination, proceed to print your instant full color ordination credential...all within three minutes."

AND ABOUT 62 PER CENT AS BRIGHT AS AN AMERICAN CRIMINAL

Canadian Robert Moisescu, sentenced to seven years in prison for a bank robbery he pulled off in New York State, tried to argue that the poor Canadian exchange rate should apply to his criminal sentence. "Taking into account my Canadian criminal record - at current exchange rates - is only worth 62 percent of an American criminal record," he explained to the judge, "seven years Canadian is worth only four years in American." (UPI)

IF YOU OUTLAW CANNIBALISM, ONLY OUTLAWS WILL EAT PEOPLE

Two Cambodian men who were arrested for eating the fingers and toes off a body they were supposed to be cremating, were released from court because that country has no laws written prohibiting cannibalism. "I ordered the military police to release them," said prosecuter Nhou Thol, "because there is no law to charge them with." (Reuters)

"USEFUL WEBSITE"

And now, from Oxymoronlist.com, which boasts a listing of about 1,500 oxymorons, are a few of my favourites from their current top 20: government organization; same difference; taped live; plastic glasses, tight slacks; pretty ugly; head butt; and work party. And the number one oxymoron of all time: Microsoft Works.

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