May 2, 2002

ALL HAIL THE FOURTH REICH

As if to symbolize the new-found glory of American Imperial power, the United States has released this new 57-cent stamp, emblazoned with a design which is an exact copy of the symbol of the Nazi's Waffen SS, a symbol which they lifted from Mussolini's Black Shirts, and which he, in turn, copied from Julius Caesar's Imperial Roman Senate. The Imperial Eagle sits upon a background colour once called Aryan Blue (now known as Icelandic Blue) and is the same design which will be used for triangular arm badges which will be given to those good Americans who participate in the new Neighbourhood Watch program. And yes, we do have ways of making you talk. (almartinraw.com).

NEWS FROM THE FUTURE

A physics professor from the University of Connecticut has begun building a time machine which, theoretically, will be able to transport anything from a single atom to a person through time. Ronald Mallett claims that a working model of his invention should be ready this fall, when experiments in time travel will begin. Mallett and his colleagues will begin by trying to move a subatomic particle through time, and if that is successful, will move to bigger and better things. Theoretically, they should eventually be able to transport an entire human being, but that would take more energy than scientists know how to harness. Still, he says, that is simply, "an engineering problem." (Boston Globe)

PERFECTLY DRUNK

Scientists from London's Royal Society of Chemistry have finally found what they believe is the perfect James Bond Martini, after researching the differences in the taste of Martinis prepared in various styles. "We are drinking lots of martinis for sensory evaluation in our beverage laboratory," said Dr. Francis Scanlan, "and it is clear from our experiments that the way the drink is prepared is very important." This then, is the definitive 007 Martini: three parts Gordon's gin, one part vodka, a half part Lillet, shaken, not stirred, and served ice cold in a deep champagne goblet with a large thin slice of lemon peel. Enjoy! (The Daily Mail)

RICH AND DRUNK, NICE COMBO

An economics professor at the University of Calgary has found that people who drink more than average are more likely to earn more money. He theorizes that the correlation may be due to the stress of high-paying jobs driving people to drink, or that more sociable people are more likely to achieve career success. Or how about the most obvious reason, that the more money you make, the more drinks you can afford. Where can I get a piece of that funding? (Calgary Sun)

BONEHEAD CRIMINALS OF THE WEEK

Three men who managed to steal a bank machine from a coffee shop in San Fransisco, and somehow hauled the thing to a nearby park, then proceeded to try to smash the thing open with steel bars, rocks and tools they had stolen from a construction site. Predictably, the racket they made woke up nearby residents, who called the police. (San Francisco Chronicle)

NO WAIT, AN EVEN BIGGER BONEHEAD CRIMINAL

21-year-old Oskar Racins, who had just plunged a pick-ax through his bosses brain, didn't let his murderous rage keep him from getting a good night's rest. Unfortunately, he slept a bit too soundly, and missed his flight to Finland and his big chance to evade the law. He was arrested the next morning after failing to show up at work, which immeditately tipped off his co-workers as to who killed their boss. Case closed. (NY Post)

READ MY LIPS, NO NEW PHONES

Engineers at Japan's NTT DoCoMo are perfecting lip-reading software to be used in the world's first lip-reading cell phone. With the new phone, callers will simply have to mouth their conversation silently, and a contact sensor on the phone's mouthpiece will convert the tiny electrical signals sent by muscles around the mouth into spoken words using a speech synthesizer. (New Scientist)

FINALLY, A CHANCE TO TRADE IN YOUR DUNCE CAP

Scientists at the Centre for the Mind, in Sydney, Australia, claim to have created a "thinking cap" that uses the power of magnetism to stimulate a person's creative powers. They say that the invention can stimulate the hidden talents which we all have locked within our brains. Preliminary tests on 17 volunteers showed that the device can improve drawing skills in 15 minutes. (BBC)

THE ONLY SPORT WHERE YOU'LL LOSE POINTS FOR A WRINKLED UNIFORM

If drinking beer with thousands of drunk Germans isn't enough motivation to get your ass off the couch and make your way to Oktoberfest, this year Munich will also host the Extreme Ironing World Championships. Extreme Ironing is "an outdoor activity that combines the excitement of an extreme sport with the satisfaction of a freshly ironed shirt," boasts the website, www.extremeironing.com. Events include ironing while skiing, snowboarding, snorkelling, canoeing or mountain climbing.

WHICH PROVES I'M NOT A PERVERT

A 34-year-old man in Ottawa who had been charged with sexual assault against several young girls defended himself in court by claiming that he had never raped any of the girls, but had only drunk their urine. Sexual intercourse, he explained, "is not my thing. Urophilia is my thing." (Ottawa Sun)

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