April 18, 2002
AREN'T YOU GOING TO THANK ME?
Accused mass-murderer Michael
McDermott told a truly bizarre tale under cross-examination last
week, as his justification for rampaging through his office and
shooting his co-workers with an AK-47. It started, he explained,
when the Archangel Michael told him that he would be transported
through a time portal to a German bunker in 1940. In order to save
his soul, he was to kill Adolf Hitler and six Nazi generals.
Following the angel's advice, he swallowed a bottle of painkillers
and a bottle of vodka, stormed into the lobby of his office, and
started shooting his co-workers. Hearing Hitler's thoughts coming
from deep inside the bunker, he says, he kept shooting until all
the Nazis and Hitler himself was dead. After the carnage, he
turned himself over to police, saying only "I don't speak German."
Then, he says, he died of a drug and alcohol overdose at the
police station. When his lawyer asked him where he is now, he
answered "Purgatory...nothing in this room exists." (Boston
Herald)
TROUBLE SLEEPING?
The death of a 27-year-old actor in the
Philippines has renewed investigation into a mysterious ailment
that seems to only affect men from southeast Asia. "Bangungot," or
nightmare syndrome, usually kills victims at about 3 a.m., after
they are heard moaning as if they were suffering from some agony.
Doctors call it Sudden Unexplained Nocturnal Death Syndrome, and
have no explanation of why it happens, although autopsies of 328
bangungot victims shows that something goes wrong with the rhythm
of the heart during sleep (no kidding!). (Reuters)
PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR PANTS
Juan Carlos Arellano, a Chilean
clothes factory owner, has decided to take the advice of an image
of Jesus in a pair of jeans, and is leaving his job, his wife, and
his five children in order to become a full-time preacher. He said
that a worker brought him a pair of stained jeans, but he noticed
that the stain looked exactly like Jesus' face. As he watched the
image, it told him to leave his old life and "preach the gospel of
true love." So he did. (La Cuarta newspaper)
SICK OF SEX
A Dutch neuropsychiatrist has begun the first
research into a rare disorder which seems to make people ill
immediately after orgasm. Dr. Marc Waldinger is studying eight men
and women in order to find out the cause of the strange effects.
He believes that the patients may have developed allergies to the
hormones and neurotransmitters which are released in the brain and
spinal cord when people reach orgasm. The effects include extreme
fatigue, painful eyes, soar throat, muscle pain, sweating, and
rashes, and last for about a week after orgasm. (Ananova)
DELICIOUS WITH A GLASS OF POWDERED MILK
The U.S. Military has
finally outsmarted, yeast, fungus, mold and rotting meat and
succeeded in creating the world's first indestructible sandwich.
The pizza pocket-style sandwich can survive airdrops, rough
handling, extreme climates, and stays fresh for up to three years
at temperatures up to 26°C, and up to six months at 38°C. The
soldiers who tested the first prototype were unimpressed, giving
the sandwich a rating of "acceptable." (New Scientist)
HAVEN'T YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO BE A VENGEFUL, ANGRY GOD?
"You are
God. Your people have angered you greatly and deserve to be
punished. Punish away, oh great one!" So begins the game of Wrath,
a basically cheesy yet highly amusing game in which you, as God,
throw bolts of lightning at the puny humans below. Go pump up your
ego by squashing mere mortals at www.no-god.com/game/wrath.swf.
BRING YOUR OWN CONDOM
The mayor of South Taranaki District, New
Zealand, is asking voters to approve changing the name of their
town to Taranaki South, as they would like to put an end to their
community being known as STD. (worldonline.co.za)
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Copyright 2002 by Andreas Ohrt
Email:aohrt@hotmail.com
Website:www.curioustimes.com