December 20, 2001
THAT WOULD EXPLAIN THE JOLLYNESS
Dr. Ian Edwards, a botanist from
the Royal Botanic Gardens in Edinburgh, claims that the story of
Santa Claus' flying reindeer may have been inspired by magic
mushrooms. Edwards explains that reindeer herdsmen in Lapland used to
feed red and white fly-agaric mushrooms to their reindeer, and then
drink the animals' urine. One of the results of this method of
ingesting drugs was hallucinations that they and their reindeer were
flying through space, looking down at the Earth. (The Telegraph)
SUCKY JOURNALISTS STINK
This year's P.U.-litzer Prizes have been
awarded, given out by the media watchdog group Fairness and Accuracy
In Reporting (www.fair.org) in recognition of the "stinkiest media
performances of the year." Not surprisingly, most of this year's
winners come from so-called journalists who threw all pretense of
objectivity in the trash after Sept. 11. My favourite would have to
be the quote from Cokie Roberts, of ABC News, discussing how
enamoured she is with military men: "I am, I will just confess to
you, a total sucker for the guys who stand up with all the ribbons on
and stuff, and they say it's true and I'm ready to believe it. We had
General Shelton on the show the last day he was chairman of the Joint
Chiefs of Staff and I couldn't lift that jacket with all the ribbons
and medals. And so when they say stuff, I tend to believe it."
GOING OUT WITH A BANG
An interview with one of Osama bin Laden's
estranged wives on Russian television has fueled rumours that bin
Laden plans to die live on television rather than give the Americans
the satisfaction of finding him. According to the Times of India, bin
Laden has made plans to be shot by his elder sons live on the
Al-Jazeera television network. The speculation is that by dying
dramatically in front of a billion television screens, bin Laden
hopes to bring countless new recruits into his battle against
America. Other reports claim that the moment of his death will also
serve as a signal for a new round of terror, including targets in
Washington, London and Paris.
START THE NEW YEAR RIGHT WITH SOME VOODOO MAGIC
The town of Jesolo,
Italy has once again hired magician Giovanni Boscolo in order to
ensure that the resort town will have nice weather on New Year's Day.
For the past four years, Boscolo has managed to keep clouds and rain
away, with what he claims is a scientific method to attract or repel
clouds using the magnetic power of earth and water. (La Nuova
Venezia)
MORE CRAP IN THE MAIL
Now that the dot-com fad is over, don't miss
your chance to buy a thoroughly ridiculous website at bargain
basement prices. Yes, www.dog-crap.com is for sale! This is the
website which offers to anonymously send real dog crap to the victim
of your choice for about 10 bucks. They're asking US$995 for the
website - send your offer to rigco@yahoo.com.
AND IF YOU HAVE SOME EXTRA ANTI-PSYCHOTIC DRUGS LYING AROUND, SEND
THOSE ALONG AS WELL
Normally I delete all the truly absurd e-mails I
receive, but in the spirit of Christmas, I will pass along this plea
for help: "If you are a time traveler or alien disguised as human and
have the technology to travel physically through time I need your
help! My life has been severely tampered with and cursed! I have
suffered tremendously and am now dying! I need to be able to: travel
back in time; rewind my life including my age; be able to remember
what I know now so that I can prevent my life from being tampered
with again after I go back. I am in very great danger and need this
immediately! I am aware that there are many types of time travel and
that humans do not do well through certain types. I need as close to
temporal reversion as possible, as safely as possible. To be able to
rewind the hands of time in such a way that the universe of now will
cease to exist. I know that there are some very powerful people out
there with alien or government equipment capable of doing just that.
If you can help me I will pay for your teleport or trip down here,
Along with hotel stay, food and all expenses. I will pay top dollar
for the equipment. Proof must be provided. Only if you have this
technology and can help me please send me an email to:
Robby0809@aol.com. Thanks."
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Copyright 2001 by Andreas Ohrt
Email:aohrt@hotmail.com
Website:www.curioustimes.com