No. 452 - May 8, 2008
Fire Up that SUV... Here Comes the Next Ice Age

A WHOLE NEW REASON TO FREAK OUT ABOUT THE WEATHER
Damn scientists can’t make up their minds. Now that we’ve all been trained to worry about the Earth warming up a few degrees (the horror!), some scientists are now claiming that we have a bigger problem to worry about: the coming of a new ice age. The twin culprits are the sun’s magnetic field and the flow of ocean and wind currents (no room for science here... go Google it) with the bottom line being that we’ve suffered the coldest winter since Al Gore became a superhero and glaciers are once again growing rather than shrinking. According to Australian geophysicist Phil Chapman, a lack of sunspot activity and the weakening of the sun’s magnetic field is to blame for the world’s rapid cooling since January 2007. "This is the fastest temperature change in the instrumental record, and it puts us back to where we were in 1930," said Dr Chapman. "If the temperature does not soon recover, we will have to conclude that global warming is over.” But only until it starts again... (Times of India)

SHE’S GOT EVERYTHING I WANT IN A WOMAN -- EXCEPT FOR THE LIMBS
Despite objections from various human rights groups the Miss Landmine amputee beauty pageant has announced plans to host the 2009 competition in Cambodia. Miss Landmine Angola 2008 was crowned at the competition’s inaugural event earlier this month and plans are in place to allow the pageant into Cambodia next year despite that country’s ban on beauty pageants. During the pageant beautiful female landmine victims strut on a catwalk trying to win prosthetic limbs. While critics call the event a racist, sexist and exploitative freak show, the event’s organizer claims that it raises landmine awareness and empowers female amputee participants. (Miss-Landmine.org)

IT’S NEVER TOO EARLY TO TEACH YOUR KIDS HOW TO HANDLE MONEY
And now a lesson for all you new parents: keep your life savings away from your three-year-old children. Yes, it seems obvious, but apparently it isn’t, as a Chinese family lost all their cash last week after their daughter threw it out of the window of their 17th floor apartment while the parents slept. According to the owner of the restaurant on the ground floor of their building, money had started raining down on the ground and caused pandemonium as people went crazy trying to catch it. "We're now hoping for magic, and that the people with our money will bring it back," said the girl’s mother. (Ananova)

DUDE, WHERE’S MY PENIS?
Time for another curious tourist advisory: watch your dick if you’re traveling to Congo. Police have arrested 13 suspected sorcerers who are accused of using black magic to steal or shrink men’s penises. According to victims the wizards are able to make a man’s penis shrivel up or completely disappear with a simply touch. The extortion then begins with massive amounts of cash needed in order to get the cure. Police have detained all of the victims and alleged sorcerers in an effort to prevent the type of violence which spread in Ghana ten years ago, when 12 suspected penis snatchers were beaten to death by angry mobs. (Reuters)

FAT, STUPID AND LOCKED UP IN JAIL IS NO WAY TO GO THROUGH LIFE, SON

A morbidly obese prisoner in Arkansas isn’t too happy with the success of his forced diet. Since being imprisoned eight months ago Broderick Laswell, 19, has already lost 105 of his original 413 pound body. Rather than using his experiences in the big house to write the next best-selling diet book, Laswell has filed a civil rights lawsuit which claims that he is being starved to death by the small portions that they serve in jail. Laswell claims that he is being fed so few calories that his stomach growls and he feels hungry again only an hour after every meal. (TheSmokingGun.com)

HUNGER IS THE MOTHER OF INVENTION
A Thai chicken vendor has created the world’s first solar-powered roaster at his roadside stall about 90 km south of Bangkok. Sila Sutharat claims the idea came to him while torturing bugs with a magnifying glass when he was a child. He now uses the same principle for a set up of various mirrors which focus the sun’s rays on his chickens. It only takes about 10 minutes to roast a small chicken but Sutharat admits that the device doesn’t work so well when the skies are overcast. (TheJapanNews.com)

THIS WON’T HURT A BIT, CAUSE I’M GOING HOME
You probably don’t need another reason to fear your dentist, but here goes: a woman in Williamsburg, New York, is suing her dentist after she was put under anesthesia and then locked into the dental office after the staff forgot about her and went home. She woke up terrified, confused and alone in the darkened office and had to call 911 to get busted out. (WCBSTV.com)

HERE’S YOUR EXCUSE TO EAT WHAT YOU WANT WHILE DANCING LIKE A CHICKEN
Mother’s Day is okay for normal people, but for those of you who don’t have a mom feel free to celebrate Eat What You Want Day (May 11) or National Dance Like A Chicken Day (May 14).

I-READ-IT-ON-THE-INTERNET-SO-IT-MUST-BE-TRUE FACT OF THE WEEK
Every 20th dog or cat injury treated by a veterinary is the result of sexual assault.

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